To decorate or not to decorate…

To decorate or not to decorate???

It is okay to do what you find your heart can handle. For myself, that changes from year to year, and I am noticing it changes as the holiday gets closer. Heck, it changes from day to day.

The first year we lost David, it was too painful to decorate or acknowledge the holidays. That being said, I also tend to be the one that tries to hold everyone else in the family together. I feel the need to be the one to want to make them smike, fill in the silence with laughter, and be strong. So I put a few things outside for Christmas but didn’t decorate inside at all. A big facade.

The second year I remember pretty much trying to ignore the holiday exhisted. Again though I put on a pretty good show for family and wrapped the gifts, etc. I hid my feelings, or at least I tried. Maybe I really wasn’t fooling anyone. I went shopping with my Mom and as we were walking down the decor isles, we noticed outdoor Christmas decorations in fun blues, hot pink and lime greens unlike anything I had ever seen before. The pink made me think of our then one-year old granddaughter. Caught up in the moment and deciding I would decorate the outside of the house for her, I went crazy and bought $300 worth of supplies and new decor. I also bought a new little tree to put in the house and a few other things for inside. I didnt bring up any exhisting ornaments, etc. You can see what I did there. I deferred and tried to hide my grief by putting up all new decorations and not bringing anything out that had memories attached to it.

I also wanted to create some family memories for my older son. Focusing on his daughter, our granddaughter, helped. Being that the second year seemed lharder than the first as the shock was over and I could really “feel” the grief, it seemed like a good coping strategy. So I made it look on the outside like we were “good” and tried some new things on the inside.

Christmas especially is a tough holiday with childloss. While the holiday is a religious one, let’s face it, as parents we put every ounce of our being into creating a memorable experience for our children. The entire holiday is so woven into memories and when you lose a child, it takes your breathe away to run into those memories everywhere you turn. There is no escaping it. It is physically exhausting and mentally draining.

Last year, which was year three without David, I feel like I was not as emotional; but, had no desire to really deal with the holiday. Once again I put up the outside decorations, but not really anything inside until about a week before just so that my oldest son would not feel like it was not important. It is a fine line to walk there as well though. I want him to feel equally loved as his missing brother and create memories for him; however, acknowledge that he was not really ready to dig into the holiday for the same reasons. I feel his grief is equally as painful as ours if not deeper, if that is even possible. Being adopted, David was his one constant in life. The only other person that could truly know what it felt like go through what they did together. They were so close and had a bond that I will likely never know.

I am finding this year different again. Year four. I am feeling very indifferent to it. I really enjoyed Thanksgiving this year and leaning into our existing family. Losing a child, and then my Dad not even a year later, makes me very aware that each day with our exhisting family is a gift and I enjoyed making it a special day for everyone .

Thanksgiving was later this year and it seemed like we catapulted into Christmas. Truthfully, I am finding I could care less about the decorations and hoopla, and I am leaning more info my faith and the religious aspect. I put up the outside decorations to put on the show that we are just fine. Truthfullly, we are. “Fine.” We are plugging along and finding our way. My husband and I are leaning into each other and stepping back like grandparents do as my Son and his family create their own new traditions. I, oddly, have had a little more anger creep into my grief which surprised me this many years into it. I have not put up any decorations in the house yet as I find it is nice to come inside to our “normal”, house and be able to pretend there is no holiday if I want. An escape from the outside world. Likely as Christmas gets closer I will bring up a few things so when my Son and his family visit with our granddaughter it doesn’t look to them like we are ignoring the holiday. But if I decide not to, I am realizing it is okay. It is okay to do what is needed for myself so that when I step outside the house I can feel somewhar rejuvinated and ready to tackle another day.

It is okay to celebrate the holidays however you need to. That is going to look different day to day truthfully. It is okay to not even decorate outside, not have a tree, put decor up at the last minute, buy new decor and go crazy with it… Do whatever you feel driven to do.

What I do hope is that even like my husband and I as we “ignore” the holidays inside our house at the moment, that you lean into others. Don’t become a recluse. Lean into your family. Lean into work. Lean into friends. Lean into counseling. Come home and escape the jingle bells and Christmas lights inside if that is what you need. But don’t forget to continue to work on learning to live again. Read. Meditate. Exercise. Love on your pets. No matter how hard it seems, make yourself do something every day to remember that in honor of your child or Ioved one you are still living.

With love,
Michelle, David and Hobi 💛💛💛