What I now know…

If you had asked me three years ago if I could post these things… that life can go on, that you will smile again, find peace in moments again, that you will breathe again and that you will continue to want to be here and find purpose in your life… I probably would’ve told you it would never be possible. I never would have imagined that I would wake up smiling thinking about David and not wondering how I would get through another day.

Over three years later I want to shift to a narrative that while losing a child will be the most devastating thing that will ever hapen to you, and while it is different for everyone, you can feel whole again. For you maybe it’s even a parent, a sibling, a close friend or anyone that makes you feel like your world came to an end when you lost them. You will never be the same person you once were. You will never stop grieving. But with time and effort you can become a new version of yourself that still feels connected to your loved one, finds purpose again, and happiness will start to creep back in.

There will never be a day that thoughts of your child are not with you, but you will start to smile more often than cry. The elephant sitting on your chest will go away. You will start to climb out of bed wishing you didn’t have to face another day. (If you are this far into your journey and still in deep dispair, I encourage you to find a grief therapist that has also experienced a similar loss. There is no shame in getting help.) It is still a messy journey and there will, I suppose, always continue to be the undercurrent of feeling guilty, triggers that catch your breath, and the “what if”s”. What I can share; however, is my personal journey to learning to live again in hopes that it helps others do the same. Why? It drives me to be a better version of myself, gives me purpose, and I have always truly enjoyed lifting up others. Never would I have imagined I would be wanting to help others survive the loss of a child.

Those that are newly shattered with losing their child just recently, or in the first couple years, will read this and likely feel it impossible. It even might make you angry at me for suggesting such a thing. I felt the same. And truthfully, I am not saying I do not still have moments that I feel like that. Now realizing that a change has crept in during the third year and continues to expand, and that I can choose to create purpose and live my days to their fullest or I can choose to focus on his being gone, I choose to create more good days than bad.

Often, I feel that sharing the positivity, the experience of connection and growth, and finding happiness again will hurt those grieving so fiercely in this moment and so I hold back sharing messages like this. Both can be present though, just like both are present in the grieving process. I am feeling a pull to shift to building you up as I grieve alongside you. I am certain as I type this that it is what my spirit guides driving me to do. And… YES, I do believe Heaven is real, and you can be both religious and spiritual .

I see you. I hear your cries. I have felt the feeling of giving up, and what I know for certain is that David and Hobi have taught me that this is the message I should be sharing. Your loved ones are right beside you, they are whole again and want nothing more than for you to live to your fullest again and you can rise. You are not betraying them or forgetting them by learning to live again. Give yourself grace. Give yourself time. Do the work. You are worth it.

💛💛💛Michelle

Iamstillheremom.com