After glow to exhaustion…

You will find me authentic and real here, just like always. Being truthful about my grief journey to help others does not mean I think your journey will be the same and may not even make your journey easier. What it does do, I believe, is show you I am sincere, relatable, and hopefully gives you some reference to navigate your own journey.

I made it through Thanksgiving. The days leading up to it I always find to be the hardest and I cope by keeping busy. Really, really busy. Then family comes into town, shopping to prepare, and putting on the happy face so everyone else can be happy throws me right into Thanksgiving morning. This was the third year without my son, David, and second without my Dad. My Dad had been in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s previously so had not been with us for holidays since 2020, but it still hits different when he is not even here to visit.

This Thanksgiving day actually turned out to be one of the loveliest Thanksgivings we have had in years. I can truthfully say we truly enjoyed it, and that pang of guilt that sometimes accompanies joy did not appear this year. I believe that once you start losing family members, especially when tragic, unexpected deaths occur, you all become acutely aware that life can change in an instant and cherish those that are at your table even more. There was even an after glow that led into Friday as I went shopping with my mom.

Today though, exhaustion. Complete, deep exhaustion. We went to the movies and while I enjoyed it, I felt emotionless and empty. So tired. Do you find that as well when you are grieving and you make it through the big event? It is like your nervous system is on overdrive to keep yourself going as you try to keep your spirit up to keep everyone else going…..until you crash. That is where I am at today.

On the way home tonight, I noticed everyone had taken their Thanksgiving decorations down and Christmas lights are up everywhere. My first thought was “we just survived and succeeded at Thanksgiving and now we are thrown right into the trenches of the next holiday”. I pulled into my house all decorated with fall and wanted to cry at the thought of having the energy to take it all down and start over with Christmas.

As I write this, I am telling myself to let it go. It is okay to do nothing the rest of the night. I do not have to pretend I am happy the rest of the evening, and Christmas can wait. It all can wait. If you’re feeling this too….. It. All. Can. Wait.

Maybe next weekend my mood will rebound and some Christmas spirit will come. Maybe it won’t. Maybe I was only good to get through Thanksgiving this year. I have a feeling in a few days I will pick myself up because I will feel the need to be strong to help everyone else get through December as well.

I guess what I want you to know and see is that I am just one of you. A Mom, trying to survive the holidays. We all have our own baggage. Yours might be grief like me, it might be dealing with sickness, depression, anxiety or a number of other things that make getting through the holidays tough. Know that it is okay to have a bad day, getting exhausted is real, and telling yourself you can’t do anymore is acceptable.

Remember this too will pass. That being said, it may be a roller coaster for sure. Get some rest, take care of you, and continue to grow your emotional muscle. Happiness will find you again just as it found our Thanksgiving this year.

Forever one day at a time.

And that is ok.

Much love,

Michelle Lyn